I, again, was not at Sunday school this past week. But my trusty fellows were able to send me a short note explaining what was discussed. It was a text.. So I will do my best to relay the message with what little I have to go off of.
This past lesson was on how relationships should develop. Which is probably the most controversial point of a relationship. Because it will predict how the rest of the relationship will follow. One way to proceed, is dating, engagement, and then marriage. This is the most popular arrangement in the secular world view. Because it fulfills our feelings. Another way to proceed, is courtship, engagement, then marriage. This one is the most popular amongst the church goers. Because it separates them from the world, but mainly just by name. And there is a third view which is new to me, but that I think is better fit for the way it should proceed. It goes fellowship, then engagement, and then marriage. This focuses on friendship/life-long-choice.
Dating, engagement, marriage. Here we start with dating. But before we go any further we need to understand what dating is and how it works. Dating by definition means, an agreed upon time/place two people will meet for a social event. So from the very beginning this relationship is based on you and how you feel. How is that? Well why would someone take someone of the opposite sex to a social event? The number one reason is because they want to be around/close to the other person. Because it makes them feel good. Now don't get me wrong there are other reasons, but this one is the most common. Then after a while social events stop fulfilling all the feelings inside. Here the relationship will most of the time take one of two routes. Ether it will become physical, or it will lead to engagement. Either way it will eventually end. Why? Well if it goes physical, then at some point you will come across someone who looks better then the one you have. And because the relationship was grounded in your feelings there is nothing to stop you from walking away. And if it does go to marriage, those wonderful feelings you once hand will slowly disappear and in most cases will lead to a divorce.
Courtship, engagement, marriage.
This version is mostly used by the Christians and is widely viewed as the right way to do it. How ever when trying to explain this arrangement I find that courtship has many faces, and chances are when I try to explain it will probably be different from the way you have heard it. One of the faces of courtship puts "one on one" dating as being wrong, but that group dating is fine, just so long as there are other people going along. However in most cases where I have observed this, it never ended up working the way the parents had intended. Most times either the people around them didn't care what happened, they found some way to be alone. Every time. I think most people view it as a time that both sets of parents can get to know the individuals, as well as a time for the two individuals to get to know each other. But like I said there are many faces to it.
Fellowship, Engagement, Marriage.
This approach is still new to me, but I believe it is the best one because it starts of by focusing on friendship. And a relationship that is founded upon friendship isn't going to fall through like that of feelings.
And that is about all for right now. I am still studying so there is going to be a follow up with more of an explanation.
It is true that how a relationship should start can be controversial and people have many varying beliefs on what is the best/right way to date/court etc. I remember when I was a little kid my mom had taught me that courting a boy meant that he would come over and play Monopoly with the family..and she would always add that I would have to wait until I was 30 to court ( pretty sure she was joking about that part..i think. lol & probably half joking about the Monopoly thing too). However, as you mentioned above people have varying beliefs about what courtship should look like. In a way I think nearly all courtship and dating relationships look like ( at least to some extent) the fellowship or friends first model of relationship. Especially in Christian circles... I don't know many Christian girls who give their phone number out or agree to go grab some dinner with a guy they just met. I do feel that a start of relationship has changed from the traditional (guy meets girl, guy get's girls phone number, guy calls girl and asks for date, they go out, then decide if they want to continue dating) model to a more organic approach of letting a relationship unfold from a friendship. While there are a lot of good things about this approach...there can also be a downside. One downside would be that in the friendship approach guys can/could become stuck in the their safe zone and not step up and be the pursuer. It's easy to be friends (at least most of the time) but it's more of a challenge to step up and let someone know you want to get to know them as more than friends. Also, (and this is just my personal experience/opinion and by no means true of every girl) but it can be very hard for a girl when the only guys that step up to ask her for dates/pursue her in a one on one way are non-Christians or do not have a close relationship with Christ, and this can make the good Christian guys seem passive.
ReplyDeleteWell I certainly agree with what you had to say about Christian guys getting cold feet, or stuck in their "safety zone". I have seen it several times, and like you said it mainly happens to Christians. They spend so much time trying to make sure they do it right that they never do anything at all... But then again you also have to consider that most conservative Christians say that a guy should wait until he has a career and would be able to support a family before he should consider stepping into a relationship. With that in mind I can see why it takes so long for a Christian guy to step up to the plate. I myself am not sure about the job part. Now I do agree that he should have a career before he pops the question, but I don't really think he has to before he starts the relationship. I don't think a guy has to know where the paycheck is going to come from for the rest of his life, in order to start the relationship. But that just me.
ReplyDeleteI have never considered the idea that Christian guys feel as though they need a career/job before getting involved in a relationship. I can see that being a factor before proposing I guess...but I have never thought it was a major factor, but that is probably just because my Dad didn't have a career before he married my Mom ( He was going to seminary full-time and working part-time as a janitor so he was on track I guess and my mom had a full-time job) I definitely think guys should strive to be hard-working and good providers, but I don't think they should feel pressured to "have all their ducks in a row" before pursuing a relationship.
ReplyDeleteWell let me assure you that is definitelly on the forefront of most Christian guys.. Every guy I know and have talked to about this have expressed the idea that they should have a job and be considering a house Before they even attempt to start a relationship...
ReplyDeleteWell thanks for the insight, because like I said that thought had never crossed my mind. Then again, I am not around many conservative Christian guys much anymore so I guess I am seeing more the way secular guys go about things and frankly it makes me want to stay single lol.
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